I’ve got a few new years resolutions: Quit smoking, really. Exercise twice a week. Eat better. Lose 30 pounds. Clean up my finances. Recommit myself to being an artist. Move closer to a school, make steps to go back.
I don’t pretend that, at this point next year, I will be wildly successful on all of these fronts. But I’ve spent the last few days of my pitiful vacation thinking, trying to regroup my forces, writing in my paper journal. I need to reconnect, to balance my life out, to take responsibility for myself and my life, to stop pining for and making unasked sacrifices for someone else. I’m not quite there yet, and I have some work to do. But one thing that has come out of this past few days of vacation is a glimmer of hope, a little spark that the things I need to do are possible and not just stupid pipe dreams.
Because that’s the thing, Glamour is a matter of faith. That spark of wonder and hope is a quantum thing, dependant on the observer. The cat is in the box only if one is confident that it will be there. If one has no hope of it being there, the universe will oblige. So if I don’t think that I can get out of this Machine, then I can’t and I won’t. But if I can try to practice a kind of stubborn belief, maybe I can convince myself, and then there the energy will be for me.
Does that make any sense? It’s not a wholly alien concept. Some people have Jesus. They have faith in Him, and in their Salvation, and all the other parts of their religious cosmology and belief system. They have centuries of context and communities of support. When they fall, they have that faith to fall back upon. And they have years of reinforcement with which to bolster their faith. With this they can renew hope and wonder, refuel the inner psychic fire.
Me, I don’t have that. At least, not in such an institutionalized form. I’ve never been able to buy into it. Too much intolerance, too much hypocrisy, too much noise between the signal and I. Believe me, it would be nice to just fall into a warm community cocoon of tradition and faith. I know how it works, and I can imagine how it would feel when it works.
I do have my own eclectic belief system, gathered together by the gravity of what rings true for me. The drawback is, there is no convenient nearby community to support me. So in a lot of ways, I’m on my own with keeping my faith. I have friends on the net with whom I can share the spark, but it’s different. But when it works, I feel extraordinarly alive. And that’s what I call Glamour, the stuff of faeries and magic, of wonder and hope. It’s the universe itself winking at you. So, in a lot of ways, it’s the same sort of thing believers in Jesus seek, just in a different context. But context is everything. If your spirit doesn’t resonate within the context, you don’t find the Glamour. or Jesus. or whatever you call it.
So I have to find some faith, renew myself, find the Glamour. Convince myself that there is some hope for me yet, and that I am capable of Great Things. In so many ways it’s all about faith and attitude.