Okay, now I’m a very non-confrontational person. I’m not completely passive and I can assert myself, but I don’t handle full on confrontation well. I don’t handle anger well, I don’t handle frustration well, and I don’t handle annoyance well. Normally, my approach is to avoid ever feeling these emotions in the first place, change my reactions and expectations.
My reactions to troublesome events are so screwed up to begin with, because of blood sugar problems (hypoglycemia, that is) and mood swings. The article behind that link lists things such as irritability, mood swings, temper outbursts, negative and suicidal thoughts, indecisiveness, headaches, and fatigue. And, I can vouch for it, when I’m not in complete control of my blood sugar (which still happens), many of these things happen. So, when I’m being controlled by biological factors, I can’t trust what I’m feeling.
So, it’s hard to tell when I’m having a crazy reaction to something and when I’m having a justified reaction to something. Some would argue anger is never justified– but sometimes, you’re just being fucked with and you know it, and you’re in all rights to be pissed off. But either way, I don’t trust my anger, temper, frustration, and angst. They tend to be wrong more than they’re right. So I endeavor to dissipate and vent off each one of these reactions before they reach an expression.
You know: take a deep breath, count to 10, it’s not worth getting an ulcer over…
So, okay, I get rid of the negative emotion. Well, try at least. Succeed usually, but just as often, a little nagging remainder sticks around. Take, for instance, the case where someone really is screwing with me, or just being an ignorant ass to me. They annoy me, I mitigate the annoyance, and get back to being a happy camper. Well, not quite. Negative emotions don’t just go poof, so a little bit always sticks around. After awhile, this jackass keeps bothering me, and after awhile I’ve got a grimy build-up of pissy annoyance laying around.
Now, I have to work with this jackass. And I’ve been trying to get him to stop the things that annoy me. Hell, other co-workers have tried to get him to stop these behaviors. But still, he continues these annoying behaviors. In fact, he does new things, just annoyingly enough like the things he’s being asked to do instead, but completely useless in fixing the problems.
Like, when asked to communicate questions via email or instant messenger in order not to constantly interrupt one’s focus… he then proceeds to email, instant message, and walk over to one’s desk and read from a printout of the email.
What do I do? I’ve developed a pretty paralyzed, passive approach to dealing with annoyance. I try to be calm, and talk things out. I try to prevent myself from acting when angry or frustrated, and end up just giving off a generally pissy aura as the unexpressed emotion lingers around. And I hate giving off a pissy vibe. Makes me seem unprofessional, bitchy, and generally unpleasant. And all because I have emotional reactions I can’t trust.
I guess I need to just do something. Be confrontational without falling prey to irrational emotional reactions. I guess this is my next lesson, learn how to deal with, not avoid, these fucked up emotions. Because otherwise, jackasses like this bastard will keep fucking with me and one day I’ll end up like a Michael McDermott because I let myself get driven nuts by unhandled emotions.
(Don’t worry, I don’t even own a firearm 🙂 )